December 25th 2013 will be my 3rd Christmas without ‘Jack Jack’ and I miss him as much as I did my first Christmas without him here. He would have been 5 this year and I’m sure he would be so excited about the Christmas tree and the magic of Father Christmas visiting and filling his pillow case with presents. Josh and Elle are that little bit older so the magic of Christmas has disappeared a little but they still get Christmas pillow cases :-)
Every year I wish I was far away from everything on holiday or doing something different to take my mind off things, its very difficult doing a family Christmas as my nephews are the same age as what Jack was and it breaks my heart, I feel as they get older it will become a little easier,there is still only so much I can do when it comes to big family events and sometimes think that people forget how much it actually hurts. His name isn’t mentioned as much anymore its as though if you don’t talk about Jack he didn’t exist. Every year Elle and I go out and buy a new Christmas decoration in Jacks memory which sits with pride on his remembrance tree, its a special time to reflect and remember him. This years Bauble is from the film ‘The nightmare before Christmas’ as the main character was called Jack. I think its very important to include Jacks memory all the time but especially at Christmas. One less present under the tree is heart wrenching but I try my best to make it as magical and exciting for the other two although inside it hurts so much. I tell people that I have learned to wear an amazing mask, if only people could feel the pain within they might understand how hard it is too try and be brave everyday, as no body wants to be around someone Sad all the time.
I do have days where I laugh and Smile all the time, its a good feeling. About 6 weeks after Jacks death I remember asking a friend who had lost a daughter 15 years previously ‘Does it ever get any easier?’ His answer was ‘Lucy you will have good days and Bad days always, but I can promise you will learn to laugh and Smile again.. He was right I do laugh and smile again and I don’t feel guilty, and to be honest Jack wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time as he didn’t like it when I was sad. So make sure you give your little ones an extra snuggle and kiss and create lots of new memories this Christmas.