Life as a bereaved Mum

My journey without my son Jack

One Less Christmas Present under the tree December 5, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — jacksrainbow @ 12:39 pm

 

December 25th 2013 will be my 3rd Christmas without ‘Jack Jack’ and I miss him as much as I did my first Christmas without him here. He would have been 5 this year and I’m sure he would be so excited about the Christmas tree and the magic of Father Christmas visiting and filling his pillow case with presents. Josh and Elle are that little bit older so the magic of Christmas has disappeared a little but they still get Christmas pillow cases :-)

Every year I wish I was far away from everything on holiday or doing something different to take my mind off things, its very difficult doing a family Christmas as my nephews are the same age as what Jack was and it breaks my heart, I feel as they get older it will become a little easier,there is still only so much I can do when it comes to big family events and sometimes think that people forget how much it actually hurts. His name isn’t mentioned as much anymore its as though if you don’t talk about Jack he didn’t exist. Every year Elle and I go out and buy a new Christmas decoration in Jacks memory which sits with pride on his remembrance tree, its a special time to reflect and remember him. This years Bauble is from the film ‘The nightmare before Christmas’ as the main character was called Jack. I think its very important to include Jacks memory all the time but especially at Christmas. One less present under the tree is heart wrenching but I try my best to make it as magical and exciting for the other two although inside it hurts so much. I tell people that I have learned to wear an amazing mask, if only people could feel the pain within they might understand how hard it is too try and be brave everyday, as no body wants to be around someone Sad all the time.

I do have days where I laugh and Smile all the time, its a good feeling. About 6 weeks after Jacks death I remember asking a friend who had lost a daughter 15 years previously ‘Does it ever get any easier?’ His answer was ‘Lucy you will have good days and Bad days always, but I can promise you will learn to laugh and Smile again.. He was right I do laugh and smile again and I don’t feel guilty, and to be honest Jack wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time as he didn’t like it when I was sad. So make sure you give your little ones an extra snuggle and kiss and create lots of new memories this Christmas.

 

Easter Memories March 31, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — jacksrainbow @ 10:03 pm
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Sending everyone Easter greetings. Another Easter without my Jack. We used to hunt for the eggs around the garden, I would get up a little earlier just to hide the eggs so when the children awoke they would look out the window and see the Easter bunny had been. Before Jack came I had many joyous Easters with my children,would I ever enjoy festivities again. Grief is such a lonely existence somedays, I find myself almost like shutting down to any of the excitement that surrounds celebrations throughout the year. I put on a brave face For all around me, so they think I’m ok with it, but inside I’m screaming out this is not how I feel, I’m sad and hurting and just want this all to be over, I’m fed up with people thinking I should be alright by now. The fact I deal with celebrations my way now, the best way I know how too, is the new way. I miss not seeing my children looking out the window with their little brother and grabbing their baskets to go on the Easter egg hunt. So if you are reading this and have children make sure you make every Easter egg hunt count and special. Have a peaceful and blessed Easter weekend and keep creating new memories to keep and share with each other xx

 

My Life List of things to Do March 30, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — jacksrainbow @ 11:14 am
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I thought I would write a life list of things to do, some call it a bucket list :-) My life ahead of me I hope to create smiles and more laughter, a sad life  at times and heartbreaking too but hopefully I will create lots of memories along the way. There are many things I wish I could do, but it always boils down to lack of funds. I wasn’t married to Jacks father, so when Jack died I came away with nothing, I left my life behind to be closer to my loved ones, me and my 2 children, the dog and the clothes on our backs, and of course Jacks ashes came too in his box.

They and I dream to go to Florida and visit Harry Potter world and visit all the fun things that children should experience once in their life time. I have always dreamed to swim with Manatees too. There are many things that I hope to do in my life time, but how long will my life be for, I always thought I would grow old and have grandchildren and maybe even great grandchildren, but when Jacks life was taken so young, you realise that every moment of life is precious and you should treasure every moment we are here.

Some of my Life Wishes

Visit Florida and swim with manatees.

See the Northern Lights, my rainbow of colours

Spread Jacks ashes across the Serengeti in a hot air balloon

Watch my daughter stay in a hollywood film

Watch my son and daughter grow into what they want to become

Have a small hold, with ducks,chickens,pygmy goats

Build a House in Africa for orphaned children and call it ” The house that Jack Built”

Change the Bereavement Leave entitlement in the UK,Europe and the commonwealth

Have enough money to continue with Jacks charity and help other bereaved families create new memories by sending them on Holidays etc and make their lives a little easier even for just a short while.

Please visit www.jacksrainbow.co.uk to find out more

 

Rainbows in the Sky March 28, 2013

Filed under: Grief and Loss — jacksrainbow @ 1:35 pm
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When it rains and the sun is shinning do you look for rainbows?

A day I remember not long after Jack had died was an event that happened to me and still keeps giving me the faith and know that Jack is safe with God.

I was brought up a Christian,went to C of E schools,sang in the church choir,attended the church youth group all these things would come back and give me a strength like no other.

I go to church with my family, sing the hymns,prayed for help and guidance but not until Jack died did my faith get tested to limits. I enjoyed going to church, my children where all christened, they went to sunday school etc. To me my church family where just as important as my friends and family.

But I always had this element of doubt, as I went into my 20′s,I wasn’t a committed Christian,I didn’t attend church as often as I should have, but I tried to be a good,kind,loving person was I real Christian?

My faith was tested the day Jack died, I remember sitting at the bottom of his bed in A&E, praying out loud,asking for God to keep him alive and not to take him away from me, I was a good person, a caring person and a loving mum to all my children. A hand touched my shoulder and said “Lucy,there is nothing more we can do, I am so very sorry”. She must have been lying, of course more could be done, his birthday was just 2 weeks away, I had bought him presents and cards and was organising his 2nd Birthday party with all who loved him. I rubbed his feet and sat for a moment longer, what was I going to do, How was I going to tell everyone that Jack had gone and wasnt coming back? How could God take away my miracle baby, i wasn’t ready for him to go, we had our whole lives ahead of us.

I stood up and asked the nurse if i could wash him, I wanted to wash his hair and his face and hands and put some warm clothes on him, I didn’t want him to get cold. But he was gone, why would he need clothes, but at the time my mothering nurturing nature kicked into overdrive. I held Jack for 5 hours after he was pronounced dead, the hospital wheeled me with Jack in my arms to childrens ward, the last place on this earth I wanted to be, but i was in shock so I just went with the flow. My other children joined me in childrens ward and I had to explain to them that Jack had died and he wasn’t coming back, the most heart wrenching thing I have ever had to do. Jack was sent for a post mortem but I was assured he would be well looked after and he would come back 24hours later to the chapel of rest.

The next day my family all arrived from the south of England, I was seen by a doctor as I hadn’t slept and we visited Jack in the chapel of rest. I took a deep breath and walked forward into the little room with my son laying there. I was frightened to touch him but I wanted to hold his fingers and stroke his hair, he looked so peaceful and looked fast asleep, he should be waking up for his breakfast I thought :-(

It was after that initial visit to see Jack in the Chapel of rest that I felt so sad and hurt and angry. How could I have taken my eyes off him, if I hadn’t he would still be here with me laughing,giggling,giving me cuddles and sloppy wet kisses. As I walked outside I shouted at the top of my voice on a busy road “WHY?” why had you not protected him, why did you take him from me, I love him so very much and now Jack was gone and the pain I felt and still feel today is sometimes so overwhelming it paralises me.

The sun was shinning that summers day, not a cloud in the sky, I got into my mums car and we were heading back to where we were staying and I was gazing out of the window and we came across an old oak tree in the cemetry and shinning above the oak tree was a RAINBOW, how could this be, i asked for the car to stop and got out and just looked into the sky. I felt in my heart that Jack was sending me a sign, that he was alright and to keep looking for Rainbows. That particular Rainbow is called a “Sundog” and it stayed in the sky for 20 minutes. i wanted everyone to witness this wonderous beautiful colourful rainbow in the sky. After we had all seen it, including my son who nearly missed it, it vanished.

Since Jacks death I have seen over 150 rainbows from my sundogs to a Fogbow too. My sundog came back again on Jacks Birthday 12 months later in 2011 but this time 350miles away from where I had first seen it, and I have had many witnesses to my gift from Jack.

I hope to see as many rainbows as I can in my lifetime and I wish to go and see the northern lights, or aurora borealis, my rainbow of colours. Jack still sends me my Rainbows and they give me comfort that he is alright and in Gods arms.

 

Near Misses and Kisses Better March 27, 2013

Filed under: Grief and Loss — jacksrainbow @ 9:31 am
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The wizard of oz was always a favourite of mine, somewhere over the Rainbow, a powerful,yet magical song.

Jack died on a Friday on a hot summers day in August 2010, a day that will be with me forever. A mothers guilt like no other, I took my eyes off my son, which led to his death. Many people over the years have shared stories with me of all their near misses, How they took their eyes off their little ones for that split second and they ran out into the road, or fell down the stairs, or how they nearly died. I know why people talk about their near misses, its to make me feel a bit better about the fact you can’t watch your children 24 hours a day, but my feelings towards this is that sometimes, I wish I had watched him all the time. I was that mum who was always running around making sure my children where safe, putting things out of harms way, kissing things better when they had fallen and grazed their knees. That was what mums did, didnt they? I could kiss things better and give them magic medicine which would make it all ok. But I coudn’t kiss Jacks accident better, I tried so very hard to kiss it better as did the doctors around me. But it couldn’t be kissed better, I felt I had failed as a mum, I had let Jack down. No kisses in the world where ever going to make this better. I needed those kisses now from Jack to tell me it was all going to be alright, but its never going to be alright again. I know I am going to live with the pain in my heart for the rest of my life but somehow I have to carry on with life. I do have other children but that doesnt make it better, it helps a little, but I am missing a big part of my family now JACK.

 

Where do Balloons go Mummy? March 26, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — jacksrainbow @ 9:54 am
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Where do balloons go mommy when you set them free?1329450845tumblr_li5gbpxwyg1qcxvxao1_500-jpg

Do they float into clouds or get stuck in a tree?

Do they fly high in the sky or get popped by a bee?

Do they soar with the birds and the bugs in the air Or stay close to the ground and get chased by a bear?

Does the wind blow them out over the Big blue ocean Or do they climb up and over small hills and big mountains!

Do they go out in space and circle the stars And then fall back to Earth after traveling so far?

Or does God collect them all in a big bouquet and give them to children in heaven each day?

Where do balloons go mommy when you set them free? I hope they go to Heaven as a gift from ME!

This poem was written in a card and sent to me by someone I can now call a friend :-)  I often think of me being a floaty balloon along my journey of grief, either gently blowing and moving through the air peering down on the world below me or sometimes darting from one place to another with no control, just letting the elements around me pulling me in all sorts of directions

 

Lanterns in the Sky

Filed under: Uncategorized — jacksrainbow @ 9:46 am

Lanterns in the Sky

I came across this picture whilst doing a search for other bereaved parents out there. A man from China had uploaded this picture and it got me thinking. Each little lantern in this picture was the light of a life of a loved one, all floating in the sky with each other, keeping each other safe, away from any pain and sadness. When I look around me, I see rushing and running but sometimes you stop and that’s what happened when Jack died, i stopped rushing and running, a window opened and gave me another view on the world a peaceful,gentle view on life, a bit like these lanterns. They float daintily up into the cool warm air, and travel together to see where life takes them. My life as a bereaved mum takes a journey along with other bereaved parents to new adventures, we float together along the path ahead of us.

 

 
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